Taraweeh Express

Sometimes Taraweeh prayers can get long … REALLY long. People make fiendish plans to make shortcuts.

“Hey I think he’s almost done the first rakaah”
“Let’s hit it up… GO GO GO!”
“Shoot he got up too early. Now everyone will know we’re late.”
“Let’s get the hell outta here… GO GO GO!”

Unfortunately these were two uncles.

Be a man (or woman). Pray the full two. Only wussies join before the first rakaat is ending.

Gain Weight

Amazingly, I hear people complaining that they gain weight during this month where we are supposed to fast. After seeing their plate at iftaar, I think I found the problem:

- Plateful of biryani.
- Side of hummus
- Some mashed potatoes
- A banana
- Fruit chaat (or fruit with spices in because some cultures put spices on virtually everything for some bizarre reason)
- Caeser’s salad sans bacon bits
- Roti (why not?)
- Goat curry
- Another banana

And upon second serving the person had this:

These plates could feed an army. If you’re gonna eat like a pig, don’t complain when Dr. Atkins comes knocking on your door for Eid.

Zakaat Gone Wrong

In Ramadan people tend to give charity a lot more because they’re in a more of an altruistic state and that’s cool and all but please, some people really need to get the hang of donating. I mean when we give charity, our left hand shouldn’t know what the right hand gave. Instead I see some random Joe Ali’s donating to let EVERYONE’s left hand, elbow and nostril know what Joe Ali’s right hand gave.

If you see anyone like this, make sure you give ‘em a right hand of your own.

But all blame can't go to the person. Sometimes in the midst of Taraweeh prayers the mosque board would start 'fun'draising, holding the second half of the Taraweeh hostage. You won't be able to continue praying unless you pay up. Although donating to the mosque is nice, charity is sorta screwed up when they read out your name and read out how much you donated with commentary.

"Oh Br.Abdullah... I seen your house... you could have added a few Zeros at the end of that number."
"Sr. Fatima... very good! If I knew you make this sort of cash I would have married off my daughter to your son."

Breathing on People

An awesome part of Ramadan is that we have an excuse for having bad breath. And although our breath may smell better than musk to Allah (SWT), that doesn’t mean we should breathe on everyone we see.

Tip: talk less in Ramadan. It’ll be better for us all.

Miswak Misuse

To cover up that bad breath, we are allowed to “brush” using a handy stick called the miswak. Now brushing your teeth with a stick would normally be funny, but this is sunnah we’re talking about and judging by scientific reports, miswaks totally own toothbrushes. Although brushing our teeth might be cool, doing it in front of our non-Muslim friends could be fatal.

“Hey Yasir have you finished the- ... holy mother of shampoo! What the hell are you doing?”
“Brushing my teeth with a stick.”
”Gross!”
“Don’t knock it until you tried it.”
“Maybe I will!”

So after giving your friend a miswak without proper guidelines you end up seeing this in the newspaper the next day.

Make sure you attach instructions to the miswak next time. No need to let your miswak go on a murderous rampage.

Probably the most common of moon-sighting problems... these winged creatures often get mistaken as a "moon" because of the "moon-like" pattern the birds fly in. To some Hilal watchers, "flying-in-moon-like-pattern" is basically just as good as "moon".

The mechanical version of the bird, planes are often mistaken because of the flashy lights that appear on the side of it. The moon has blinking flashing lights and moves across the horizon in three minutes as well which is why I’m sure the mistake occurs all the time.

Moons tend to have wings and say "American Airlines" or "British Airways" written at the side of it as well. How can Eid NOT be tomorrow when the moon has flown across the horizon several times during the evening?

Oh that would be so cool if Superman was Muslim. If only Superman can go fly over the world in the opposite direction of the earth really fast and cause it to spin backwards thus going back in time and telling the world what the REAL moon decision is because then we won't be having any problems. If it worked in Superman1 then it should work all the time.

Mosque politics are as corrupted as Lex Luthor so SuperMuslim can handle that stuff too. Hush-hush elections? Same mysterious people in power for 20 years? SuperMuslim can put a stop to all that!

Less likely than Superman but I’d believe that over Saudi any day.

It’s a lunar calendar. Staring at the sun and scorching your eyeballs will not bring about Eid. Though I’m sure some people are willing to do it to get a three-day weekend.

You ever wonder how they make the announcement for Eid several hours before the moon even comes out? This is why. Sun is just as good as the moon for some people.

This actually only raises more questions.

It’s quite rare for a jet to fly with such curvature to form a moon-like pattern but people still make the mistake with jet streams and the moon. Unless of course you come from the camp that believes that the kufaar are against us and want to divide us by any means necessary so the kafir pilot flies curvedly to form a “jet-stream-moon” to disunite the Muslim community on Eid. Diabolical kafirs and their diabolical methods.

Eh... I guess that settles it.